I'm staring thirty two in the face, looking deep into the eyes of aging, and asking myself a lot of questions about where I've been and where I am to go.

Been hard on myself about the running and hiding from God's purpose for this life, yes, but all very valid questions for someone who loves Jesus so much.

Yet I hear Him breathe into my spirit, "Don't be so hard on My sweet daughter. See yourself the way I do."

He sees me in the spirit and in the spirit I'm perfect. When I make it to the pearly gates of Heaven, my spirit will not need to be made new. My soul and body will but not who I am in the spirit. And that's how He sees me, in the spirit.

I'm His baby girl, whom He loves so deep and pure that He gave His own life for mine.

Wrapping my brain around that proves difficult.

However when I allow myself to think about that truth within my spirit there's nothing hard about that truth. It is nothing but sweet, good, swallowing me whole rivers of love pouring from His spirit to mine.

Being hard on myself – seeing my potential through my human eyes – can do more harm than good.

Understanding that even on my darkest day He still loves me the same as on my best day washes clean this person I am…washing peace and forgiveness over my heart… allowing me to pick up the self image of a tattered girl, twisting and turning it until it matches what He sees.

I love Him so honestly, purely, wholly; that sometimes it causes my inner man to ache from the desire to touch Him with my physical body.

And then I open my mouth, stretch out my arms and worship Him – touching Him in the spirit.

Spirit to Spirit we embrace.

And it's sweeter than any sweetness tasted by the physical senses.

Z: Are you reading about God and Jesus?

Me: Yes I am.

Z: God and Jesus are up in the clouds.

Me: They are?

Z: Yes. Are there apples in Heaven?

Me: Oh, I bet there are. And pretty trees that hold those apples.

Z: Did Jesus make the apples?

Me: Yes He did.

Z: Did He make cookies?

Me: No, not cookies. Everything that is good for you, He made.

Z: I love God and Jesus.

Me: And they love you very much, too, buddy.

Z: big smiles and dancing around in the living room.

Me: big smiles, spirit rejoicing.

On My Shelf

God's Master Plan for Your Life – Gloria Copeland

Revolution in World Missions: one man's journey to change a generation – KP Yohannan

Radical – David Platt

Heaven – Jesse Duplantis

Building Relationships That Last – KCM

Financial Breakthrough – KCM

Bible – reading through the Old Testament (my favorite Bible right now is the New Living Translation, for ease of reading. For a study Bible, I prefer to the King James Version)

Watching

Staying Full of God

Knowing God

(both by Andrew Wommack)

Are you reading a book you think I'd like? Leave me a comment and let me know.

Do you ever wonder if you've slipped so far from God's will for you that there's no going back? How could you possibly see past the murky waters of your own path, finding His lighted path for you?

I remember being a wee little brown eyes girl, so in love with my incredible Jesus Daddy, knowing in my knower that I had a special purpose in this life because of Him. I had an incredibly deep, personal and loving relationship with Him since I can remember. I look back at cards and pictures I drew and most always they involved Jesus. Even in the most random of ways, He was always the center.

My voice would ring out in the bathroom, bedroom, living room, kitchen or anywhere else I happened to be; singing about Jesus and His greatness and love. Talking to Him was a daily thing for me. Still is. I still sing. Never stopped. Still pray, love and have the deepest, most pure relationship with Him.

But somehow 10 turned into 20 and 20 turned into 31 and here I am as far from His will for my life as when a little girl. In fact, I venture to guess, I'm further now. At least then I knew I had a purpose, was super duper excited to follow His path for my life, and was ready to get going.

So where did I go wrong?

I now exactly where I went wrong. I know what took place, what side tracked me. What gently and cleverly nudged me off that road of His will for my life.

It was my deep desire for another human being to love me as much as my earthly Daddy should have but didn't. (Even though I had that with my heavenly Father.)

Boys took me off that path. And once off the path, it's easier and easier to get further and further away from His desires for your life.

I always saw, in my heart, going on missions trips. Not to be a missionary all my life, but certainly in my young life. To live with, and be around, young like-minded men and women, preaching the good news to people would could barely understand me. Loving them for Him, leading them to Him, bringing them peace and joy.

I also dreamt of using my voice for Him. To write and sing and glorify Him with my entire whole being, all of me for Him. Worship is important to me, it's a special thing I have with God. I've always felt the closest to Him when singing to Him and about Him.

My point to all of this, is I knew He had a grand plan for my life and I got side tracked because I was a lonely, broken hearted and messed up little teen aged girl. A girl that needed a Daddy more than she would have liked to have admitted and one that needed a good church home, but didn't have one at that time.

Fast forward to the present and you'll find that I'm married to a wonderful man and Mother to my three beautiful little boys. I'm so blessed and I know it. I thank God for His blessings always. He is the love of my life, even more so now than when I was a child. Giving Him all the praise and glory and honor is on the tip of my tongue daily.

And yet here I am, feeling one thousand miles from His purpose for my life, with a vehicle that has three flat tires and an empty tank of gas, trying so hard to wobble my way towards that purpose.

Is it possible to be so far that I can't get there from here? Ever? Forever? It's gone? My chance is over?

No.

My answer is no. His answer to me is no. It's never too late. You could be 15 or 95 and be able to do His will as long as you were willing to do so.

Even though I regret the wrong turns I've taken in my life. Even though I wish I could have changed some things along the way, I know that it's never too late to get there from here.

He is faithful, patient and loving.

But most of all, He is forgiving.

• I'm forgiven.

• Saved.

• Loved.

So are you.

He loves us all the same. Even if I feel we have this special relationship, and He loves me in a way He loves no other, I know that isn't true. What is true is that I am special, but so are you. I am loved, but so are you. I have something special with Him, but so can you. He is that good.

It is never too late to follow His leading, your calling in life.

I think about eternity a lot.

I watch TV and I often wonder out loud if that person is saved.

When I hear about someone dying, or see a celeb that has passed away, I think about their soul. I hope they knew Jesus. It makes me sad when someone passes away that I know didn't know Jesus.

I day dream about Heaven but I also am keenly aware of hell. And just like Heaven is a real place, so is hell.

There is a God but there is also a devil.

There are angels but also demons.

It's just a fact.

How do I know?

Because His Word tells me so.

And yes, that is all the proof I need.

My brother is sitting in prison, for the rest of his life. He is surrounded by evil people, crime, macho men and most don't believe in God.

He's always struggled with his faith. I believe much of that comes from the fact that he is schizophrenic.

When you actually see people that aren't there, hear people that aren't there, watch TV and see the actors talking directly to you; it's hard not to equate his lack of faith to his illness.

But at the same time, I know that he is still 'there'. And because I do not know all things, I'm not God, I can't presume that his soul is safe when he speaks about rejecting the notion of a God or Jesus or Heaven or hell.

I've been writing him weekly and slipping into the letters my faith and love for Jesus.

Reminding him that we will, one day, all walk together down streets of gold — go for picnic's, sit together as a family and so forth, if he believes in Jesus like the rest of us do.

I've been sending him awesome faith based material from Andrew Wommack to help grow his knowledge of the Jesus I know — not the religious mumbo jumbo he seems to have in his heart.

I pray for him.

I love him.

I don't judge him or condemn him or hate him for swaying.

I simply have compassion for him like Christ had for me.

and I do my part to bring him back to his joyous eternity.

I now look at people and see their eternity staring me in the face. I don't see their profession or their homes or their nice clothes or their celebrity.

I see their eternal home… where will that be? What does that look like for them.

I want that to be with me and all the other believers throughout all of time.

This sense of compassion and love that has washed over my heart has given me a brave personality to share the love of Christ with them.

I may have a small, disjointed and somewhat dysfunctional earth family – but I know my Heavenly family is large, massive really, happy and perfect.

I want it to be massively massive.

I must do my part to help His Kingdom grow.

Ask not what a church can do you for, but what you can do for a church.

Okay, that isn't the famous quote but it's what was spoken to my heart last week.

I've yet to find my church home. We've tried many of the churches in our area and the only one that really fed me, and charged my spirit, is very far away. I would be willing to drive the distance to get filled up but one of the most important aspects of a church home is getting connected with the people… for my kids sake and also my own. A play date driving an hour just wouldn't be feasible.

While in prayer with the Lord about a couple of churches I was going back and forth over I heard this in my heart…

Instead of focusing on what a church can do you for, ask yourself if this is a church where you can use your talents and gifts I've given you. What can you do for a church?

Certainly wasn't coming from my own thoughts, as I'd never thought of it like this before. I'd always thought of church as a place where I go, where I take my family, so we can be fed spiritually. A place where we can meet people and my kids can make friends with similar spiritual beliefs.

Never once had I thought about choosing a church based on what I can do for the church.

Sure that's an important realization for someone who is already in a church home. You should think about how you can bless the church and the people. But as far as choosing a church to make your own, I can honestly say it hadn't crossed my mind until then.

So I looked at this local church – and though our core beliefs match it wasn't my "ideal" church – but now having looked at all the ways I can use what God has gifted me with, I know that this would be a good place for us to get fed and to give back.

That sentence from the Lord actually send a shiver of excitement down my spine because it opened my eyes to a whole new way of looking at life.

What can I do for church, for people, for my neighbor, for the school…. how can I use my love and compassion and calling in every day life?

Something to think about.

As a born again Christian, and total Jesus lover, it's super important to me that my children know Jesus the way I do. And to appreciate Him and this life He has given us. And to learn what His will is for their lives and follow it no matter how challenging or scary it might be. But mostly, it's my desire that they grow a true and intimate relationship with our Lord Jesus Christ starting at a young age.

How I'm hoping to accomplish such an important goal?

…by sharing the love I have for Jesus on a daily basis. And it's working. I talk to Jesus out loud when they are around. I praise Him, sing to Him, pray to Him, read the Bible and so forth.

I talk about how wonderful Jesus is and how thankful I am that He created all the awe-some things He did for us to enjoy. When a bee fly's by, most often I voice my appreciation for it.

We talk about Heaven and angels and the promises of the Bible and the gifts Christ Jesus gave to us.

Just being an example and living the love I have for Jesus has allowed me to easily bring forth an environment for my children to grow their own love and relationship with Jesus.

I look forward to helping move them into the direction of love and ever lasting life with their Lord and Savior.

{My baby saying Hallelujah}

You'll notice the Believers Voice of Victory in the background.

My book shelf is always full and has been since a child.

I've always had a love for reading. Probably because I was homeschooled and had a lot of time on my hands and was allowed very little TV time each day.

I'm hungry for all things of spirit and truth and faith, so my book shelf reflects that.

Because these resources have touched me and grown my knowledge of the Lord, I felt it impressed upon my heart to share my book shelf with you.

Books

• Blessed Beyond Measure – Gloria Copeland

• The Believers Authority – Andrew Wommack

• To Know Him – Gloria Copeland

• Angels – Billy Graham

• Daughter of Destiny – Kathryne Kuhlman

• Tongues: Beyond the Upper Room – Kenneth E. Hagin

• John G. Lake

• God Wants You Well – Andrew Wommack

• Hello, My Name Is God – Jeremy Pearsons

• How You Can Be Led By The Spirit of God – Kenneth E Hagin

• Live Long, Finish Strong – Gloria Copeland

• Signs and Wonders – Maria Woodworth-Etter

• Healed of Cancer – Dodie Osteen

• Healing and Wellness Plan – The Copelands

Bibles

• King James Version

• Amplified

• New Living Translation

I use the King James Bible as my main Bible and then the other two to help clarify any verses that aren't clear to my mind and my heart.

Teaching DVD's

• Spirit Soul and Body

• How to Fulfill Your Destiny

• The Word Became Flesh

• The Believers Authority

• Healing Journey's 1 & 2

• Signs and Wonders

Movies

The Passion Of The Christ

{I'm greatly looking forward to watching this.}

CD's

James Earl Jones reads the New Testimate

{I've been listening to this as I drift off to sleep. I enjoy saturating myself in the Word, even as I sleep.}

Journal

I use journals to keep track of the conversations I have with the Lord, and anything I feel led to write down about my walk with Christ. These have been a real source of encouragement already. When I'm down, I turn to the journal and read the words God has spoken to me and I feel encouraged and comforted.

Bible School

Rhema Correspondence School - can't wait for my first lesson to arrive!

Charis Bible College – it's my hope that I can attend the school itself {not the online version}.

I've got a growing wish list for more books and products but first and foremost is making the time each day to be in his Word for myself and communicating with Him through prayer and tongues.

Here's a verse I found last night that spoke to me. Maybe it'll speak to you, too.

Ephesians 3:12

In whom, because of our faith in Him, we dare to have the boldness (courage and confidence) of free access (an unreserved approach to God with freedom and without fear.) {amplified version}

In whom we have boldness and access with confidence by faith in Him. {king james version}

I've had a glorious few months with the Lord this year. And each day gets better and better. It's almost like I can't get enough of Him. I pray, talk with Him, speak in tongues to Him, watch faith preachers and read the Word daily. I just adore Him. If you follow me on facebook then you're most likely aware of how deeply in-love I am with Him.

And with this love and these changes in recent months, my children and their relationship with the Lord has grown and changed and matured.

Especially Mr. Nicky, my 6 year old son. We talk about Heaven and Jesus and God and Angels often. We talk about how awesome Heaven will be and think about fantastical things {gotta make it really appealing to a little boy who loves bugs} like giant lady bugs all different colors and shapes {who knows, maybe there will be such a thing as odd shaped and colored lady bugs in Heaven} and flying roly poly's.

We talk a lot about Jesus and who He is. About God being His Daddy and how Jesus came to be our savior but also to heal us of our diseases and prosper us — to give us abundance here on earth so that we may serve Him and live out the fullness of our days.

Heaven isn't some scary thing — something that makes you think of death and leaving your body and your family. We are always excited about what Heaven will bring and what a special thing Jesus did for us when He died on the cross for us.

We talk about the rapture and how Jesus is going to come back one day and take us all home to be with Him forever and ever. We talk about angels {when he was little he saw them in our home and outside our home… so did I as a child… I wish I could see them now!} and have recently begun nightly bible studies.

It's one of my greatest joys to pass on my deep affection for the Lord to my children — and to know that they will live abundant, healthy and fulfilled lives not only in Heaven but on earth too.

Tonight after our bible study, in which we talked about the birth of Jesus, we prayed and thanked Jesus for one thing we are thankful for today. Mr. Nicky said he was thankful for Lady bugs and Mr. Zanie said he was thankful for Beetle bugs {what can I say, I passed along my total addiction to bugs, and nature as a whole, to my children.} and I thanked Him for my beautiful family.

Though he's said often that he believes in Jesus, when we'd talked about Jesus and God, he decided to say the "sinners prayer" tonight after bible study. He's said it for months that he believes in Jesus, and the bible mentions that the way to Heaven is to believe on Jesus, as your Lord and Savior, but there was something so special about leading my oldest son in the prayer to accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior. But that isn't all…

I speak in tongues each day, and do so around my children. I feel that speaking in tongues is an important part of being a Christian and having a relationship with the Lord. I pray in tongues when I'm rejoicing in the Lord, when I am in distress, or just when I want to communicate with Him through the spirit. I even sing in tongues, believe it or not! I get most of my revelation and personal contact {the Lord speaking to me} during or right after speaking in tongues.

Because it's so normal for my children to see this, he mentioned {with a shy smile} that he wanted to talk to Jesus in that way too. Now, I don't know a whole lot about children receiving the Holy Spirit. I don't know if you need to really understand the Holy Spirit in order to receive Him, but if my child was interested I wasn't going to say no!

So we prayed and received the Holy Spirit, too. And he "practiced" speaking in tongues. He was shy and I could sense he wasn't sure about it… but I lightened the mood and made it fun. It is "odd" for a lot of people at first, even adults that know a lot about the Holy Spirit, but you grow into it and it becomes powerful and beautiful.

I praise God that my Lord Jesus has one more of his babies entering through the narrow gate to be with Him forever… and I'm so privileged that I was able to lead my son on that path.

He is the first of, what I believe will be many of God's "babies" I help bring back to Him and His Kingdom.

I've recorded this beautiful day in my "God Journal" I keep in my room {I'll blog more about this soon} — I don't ever want to forget this day and all the details that have made it so special.

Though I know I've got more to contribute to this life time than Motherhood, mothering is one of the most important tasks I've been given from God.

How I raise these boys will shape their lives in a lasting way. I'll have an impact on them and it can either be positive or negative. It's up to me to show by example how to be loving, caring, gentle, patient, kind, empathetic, dedicated and responsible.

It's up to me and my husband to show the love of God to our children.

Up to us to be the example of Jesus.

I'm keenly aware of just how daunting a task it is …

and how incredible.

I believe I'm even closer to God now that I'm a Mother because I now have a much better understanding of what He did for us sending His only son to be murdered for our sins.

It's my Mothering goal to show and be the fruits of the spirit for my children…

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. (Galatians 5:22-23, New International Version)